


Darkness

by sjil



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Post Reichenbach, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-23
Updated: 2013-07-23
Packaged: 2017-12-21 02:41:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/894847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sjil/pseuds/sjil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just some thoughts of John Watson after Sherlock's death. Can he cope?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> Depressing, short, first story. (Good ending) Please review so I know how I did!

Sometimes I feel I'm going to go mad. That makes me happy. At least I won't be in pain anymore. I miss you... I love you...

 

The doctor gave me pills to be able to sleep. It didn't help. The nightmares are worse. I am late...I find you dead...everything is red. Too much blood.

 

I cannot almost eat anything. Only the essentials to be able to stay standing. I don't want to continue like that Sherlock. I don't think I can...

 

It hurts a lot...I hope you were here. I sleep at your bed, as much as I can manage to sleep. At least your scent is comforting.

 

You knew I loved you, right?

 

I stopped going to work. I couldn't stand going...I don't even want to get up in the mornings. I'm afraid...

 

I haven't gone out for 4 days. The sofa and your bed are the only places where I feel somewhat calm . The nights are getting worse and worse because of the nightmares. 

 

I went outside, shopping. I saw a colleague of mine. She looked at me with pity. She was right...even I don't recognize myself.

 

It's like being in a well and not being able to get out. Darkness, fear and the certainty that you won't get saved. I wish I was dead...

 

If I did it, would you be embarrassed of me? Disappointed? You always said I am the strong one, I don't think it applies anymore. I don't even know how to pick up my pieces. 

 

Today I took the gun in my hand. I don't know if I can stand it anymore, but it's good to know that there are alternatives. Would it be quick? Painful? At least it wouldn't hurt infinitely. 

 

I think I'm unable to cry...I am not doing well...

 

Today I went for a walk near our home. It was like being in a cloud, like it wasn't me, but someone else that had taken over my body. Numbness...at last.

 

Everything is happening mechanically. Just because things have to be done. How many days can I let pass that way?

 

I saw someone that looked like you today... I came home trembling from head to toe. I'm still not calm enough.

 

I can't speak your name anymore...but I can write it...Sherlock.

 

Eight months. I did it, should I feel proud? Of what? I thought I would be better, time heals...why can't it be true?

 

Why can't I help myself? Why couldn't I help you? 

 

I close my eyes and I see the moment you fell on repeat. Your open eyes, the blood that covered your head, your broken body...I believe I can't go on...

 

I am sorry for whoever I may have hurt with what I am doing. I just can't take it anymore. I tried for all those months. Things are getting worse. I just want to stop being in pain...

 

-John...don't...I'm back.

 

-Sherlock...


End file.
